Hillbilly Lottery

Many of us dream about winning the lottery. Oh, I’d buy a new house, and a new car, and a new boat…………anything I desired would become mine without having to think about it. Well Hillbillies are no exception. They too dream of the finer things that can only be obtained through winning the lottery. I’m not talking about a State run or National Lottery. I’m talking about the Hillbilly lottery. Disability and Workers Comp Lawsuits (if you’re from California, I believe it’s called Mexican Retirement).

Take the story of Cletus Jones.

Cletus was a hard working man who lived in Bent Dick, Tennessee. He had a good paying job at the chicken shit farm over in Rotten Crotch. Well, Cletus’s dreams came true when he got hurt on the job. You see, during his lunch break, Bo and Clem offered Cletus a bet too good to pass up. What was the Bet you ask?  The idea was to have Cletus stick the discharge pipe in his mouth. If he could withstand the pressure, Cletus would win 5 minutes of private time with Clem’s prettiest sow. You can see why Cletus took the challenge. Who could pass up an offer like that! Cletus had already finished his gallon of moonshine (remember it was lunch time) and was feeling no pain. He took the challenge and headed on over to the shit compactor.

Cletus wrapped his mouth around the discharge pipe, and Bo switched it on. The shit compactor jumped to life and sent 100 gallons of chicken shit at 3500 psi  right into Cletus’s mouth. When Cletus awoke 3 days latter, he was told the devastating news. His upper jaw was damaged beyond repair. Cletus immediately consulted an attorney. The case went to court and Cletus easily won as his employer had not posted a warning that sticking your mouth on the discharge pipe of a chicken shit compactor could be dangerous.

So what did Cletus do with his lottery winnings?

The first thing he did was take his beautiful wife Chlorine into town for a makeover.

Isn’t she just lovely! Cletus even paid extra for Chlorine to get a shave and mustache trim! What a great husband.

Next on the list was obviously a new house. So Cletus and Chlorine headed straight to Dreamland Homes. Everyone knows that Dreamland Homes has a certain “Touch of Class” about them.

With the new house purchased it was time for Chlorine to do her magic and decorate their new home on wheels. She’s got real talent doesn’t she!

Like every good warm blooded American, Cletus too enjoyed the time spent in the bathroom. So he upgraded his toilet to the finest toilet money could buy. He truely is the King.

Cletus and Chlorine went on to enjoy many more years of the finer things in life. Thank God for the lottery.